Phlox has pinged my pong. I gracefully accept.
Week 0: an outlier adn should not be counted
How many spiders do you eat in your sleep? No, scratch that, doesn't get specific enough. Frankly, ultimately, spiders crawl into your gaping mouth all the time and it's no big deal. (They're probably high in protein, low in carbs; consider increasing your intake.) How many spiders do you eat in your dreams?
This might be hard to check, because we tend to forget our dreams. Luckily, the good news is if you do remember swallowing a spider in your dreams, the effect is actually nullified. Hooray! I recommend keeping a dream journal. It's a key component to growing as a wizard, after all, and even if you don't have any wizardly ambitions, it will protect you from dream-spiders laying their eggs in you.
Week 1: taranteloi
But consider the opposite scenario: you have no memory of eating spiders in your dreams. Oh dear! Then any spiders that may have entered into your dream-body are hatching there right now? Symptoms include itchiness, jumpiness, and something feeling just vaguely off. You may be able to consult a professional (make sure your witch is licensed; there are a lot of frauds out there.)
If you can't afford professional help, try dancing in the town square. Really work up a sweat until you collapse, ideally. If you sweat it out in your dreams that has a good chance of helping purge your dream-body.
Week 2: mænad engine
This usually only happens if you've been dancing in the town square for a while. Now, let's be clear: dancing yourself half (or more) to death is not ineffective. Ten out of zero clinical studies suggest it is highly effective at ridding your body of dream spiders. But it's also quite well-known that those with a higher percentage of dream spider larvae infesting their astral body will be driven to a higher predisposition to dance. What felt like a minor itch or restlessness at first might be cured by the dancing, but if you find yourself continuing, well, that's just because they've awakened. Should have worn yourself out more vigorously in the beginning!
It's well-known that only a major dream spider infestation - one infecting a large population in a small area - tends to progress to this stage. So you'll probably be trying to purge yourself of dream-eggs with plenty of friends. But once you all do progress to this stage, the important thing to remember is: it's out of your hands now. You are not responsible for what you do. No one will judge you for what you do, certainly not for the frenzied copulation and self-injury you engage in with other participants.
Maybe this frenzy will cure you all, maybe you'll be lost entirely. But it's important not to stigmatize the victim here. No one will judge you for the bizarre mix of adultery, battery, and blasphemy into which you and the rest of this congeries descend. We must keep our eyes on the real perpetrators: a cloud of arachnophagous dreams.
Week 3: the beast with two backs
It is a feature common both to new religious movements and to lovemaking: the desire to escape the self entirely, merging with the other. At last you have achieved it. Eight limbs, two heads (six eyes short), the boundaries between you and another unfortunate have melted away, sublating to a third and better creature: a drider.
Those who have seen a drider know it is long past human. Its dreams are not human dreams. But human dreams may feature it.
To Phlox with Love
But what is this? Only you can say, my dear.
